H8rz gon’ h8 September 23, 2010

It appears that by some freak coincidence many of the commenters on my last post were aligned on the same menstrual cycle. Which explains why so many page-long arguments were made- arguments which were only lacking of the bright-red font colour, required for maximum impact. Scrolling down the entire section and seeing words like “school patriotism” being thrown around and absolutely nonsensical shark jokes being made (something about sharks biting but not seeing???), I realised that, not surprisingly, very few of you ~understand me~.

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Shocking, though, is that someone who truly did understand me was AZ. You wouldn’t think I’d take seriously the comment of an anonymous wuss, but this was an exceptional circumstance. You can forgive me for it since many of you did the same, getting unnaturally upset over Penis Dude for intruding on the nice little debate club you had going on. Apparently the idea of ignoring someone whose most constructive argument revolved around genitalia only occurred to very few.

In comparison, AZ had something more substantial to say:

From your blog it can be gathered that:

1. You are well-versed in sarcasm.
2. Ali Umer has a long name.
3. You are ignorant of the importance of ECAs. Even your XBox Skillz, if presented properly, can improve your chances of being admitted into a prestigious institutions.
4. You are not colour-blind.
5. Your conclusion of choice is a couple irrelevant sarcastic comments.

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Considering how several critics just steamed through my post in blinding rage I can understand how it may have eluded them that this is exactly the effect I was going for! As a cold-hearted, hateful, baby-punching bitch (who is, no doubt, still quite adorable) I don’t really understand why so much more was expected of me from complete strangers. It’s some strange need of you guys to pass your own lofty expectations and wishes onto everything (example: Acacia) so that when they aren’t met you can go on a hate parade. Luckily, there were still a few hundred who enjoyed the humour without waiting for the meaning of life to be revealed to them at the end of the punchline. Those of you who did, I think we’ve all exchanged fist-bumps and if we haven’t, let’s def do it at a later date.

To those who were mocked, angered, and annoyed: I need not apologise to you because you got your revenge by boring me. Through glazed eyes, though, I fully made out some certain, special comments; in what threatens to become a repeating phenomena I, yet again, have found inspiration in Muhammed Ali Umer Ashraf Farooq Alvi (who chose the slightly shorter nickname of Msaudhsi Ali Udsjas Ahrecf Fawweaq Alvi for his comments) and his apparent fondness for defining words. Since obviously the subtleties of my post were totally ignored (cough-businessventure-cough), I have decided to take a more direct approach this time and, in my response, define some terms for you myself. And maybe these will help you own your anger and calm down and stop concerning and stressing yourself towards premature balding:

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Extra-curricular activities (ECAs)

Activities that are educational but not part of the school curriculum. Usually, therefore not only and not always, administered by the school.

Used in a sentence: Being part of a sports club, acting in a play, or playing in a sound check-after-sound check Rock for Relief show are all extra curricular activities, although none of them may necessarily have been backed/organised by an educational institute.

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Private tuition

Additional, remedial, or special teaching/instruction provided outside of school.

Used in a sentence: If the hours that kids would spend at private tuitions are seen as part of the 11 hours they are having now having “forced down their throats”, the number does not shock and awe as much.

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Context

The part of a text or statement that surrounds a particular word or passage and determines its meaning.

Used in a sentence: By taking specific lines out of context it was assumed that I regarded O Level grades as more important than ECAs for college applications, rather than for further education in general, as O Level grades in comparison to ECAs are better predictors of A Level grades which are then better predictors of academic success in college.

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Patriotism

Devoted love, support, and defense of one’s country

Used in a sentence: “School patriotism” is a dumb, made-up term meant to signify “school spirit”- something which is clearly evident in me, someone who lip-syncs to Nixor chants very convincingly, every. single. time.

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Satire

Use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, etc., in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.

Used in a sentence: Satire is not the same as an argument, which may be defined as ‘discourse intended to persuade’; satire may just include bitching someone/something out.

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Feminism

A movement for the equality of the sexes, socially, politically and economically. Not to be confused with sexism, which is prejudice/discrimination against a sex.

Used in a sentence: Muhammed Ali Umer Ashraf Farooq Alvi was on a roll with his sandwich jokes which I usually enjoy, but, unfortunately, his incorrect mention of feminism kind of killed it.

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Stick

A relatively long and slender piece of wood

Used in a sentence: Everyone who took my posts as a punch in the heart obviously has one too many sticks up his/her ass.

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Kanye West

Supreme voice of our generation

Used in a sentence: Aziza decided to let everyone freely pour their sad, never-ending arguments out into the comments, following a Kanye West philosophy: “Yo, Muhammed Ali Umer Ashraf Farooq Alvi and Co. I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but my post was the best fucking joke OF ALL TIME.”

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Haha

The last laugh

Used in a sentence: I could end this post with a ‘haha’ but, instead, I will attempt to stifle my arrogance and leave you with a ‘teehee’ instead.

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Teehee, muthafuckazzzz.

OkaySoThisIsMyOpenLetter September 19, 2010

Muhammad Ali Umer Ashraf Farooq Alvi, I commend you. Those are some brilliant pieces of analytical writing that you have presented us with here; I, for one, can definitely see you having a future in print journalism, even with such an unprintably long name (how do you not forget it?).

Considering the burden that you have to carry with your name had already hiked up my respect for you. And now, having read through your touching concern for these unfortunate, almost-not O level graduates, dis this respect has grown ten-fold. Your unnatural interest in Mr. Nadeem Ghani’s business ventures has not been ignored, either. I’m sure he appreciates your educated opinions (‘Acacia doesn’t offer sciences, ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG HOW DARE THEY NOT WAHHHH~*~… oh wait. They do.’) and helpful suggestions (‘please forgive my carefully-worded disrespect, it’s just my teenage hormones going haywire’).

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Time for me to share a fun little fact, though. I actually happened to see the transcripts of quite a few Nixor applicants who got redirected to Acacia. And- surprise, surprise- turns out these applicants aren’t really the scorned scholars of great misfortune you imagine them to be. Those transcripts happened to be pretty amazing in the number of D’s, E’s and U’s that they were able to accommodate. Not so many B’s or C’s. Now, I’m pretty sure you understand the importance of grades in one’s academic career. In fact, I know you do, from your heart-rending post about universities (with the absolutely bizarre non sequitur). Knowing that the aforementioned grades are not the best, do you really think that a kid with a transcript for the 10th and 11th grade that’s littered with these grades is expecting to get admission into an Ivy League? I’m guessing he (not she, because I am gender biased) is not. In your passionate argument for a cause that doesn’t seem like the most likely possibility, it appears you forgot about this crucial fact. And the fact is that with grades like that even if that kid is crazy optimistic about getting into Harvard… he’s very probably not going to. I’m sure Harvard is weeping tears of blood at this loss, right along with you.

You see, your O Level grades do matter and- despite what MyLifeIsBro may tell you- ECAs like your Xbox skillz aren’t fully as important. Even if you were actually unlucky in your Cambridge exams, you had every single test and exam administered by your school to ace. Chances were given. These students just weren’t able to step up to the plate at all. Bummer.
I’m not saying they’re necessarily at fault but even if they are, hurrah, hurrah- Acacia is here to help. Since they haven’t been able to “acquire the skills in O Levels necessary to successfully complete their A Levels”, Acacia’s motive, I believe, is to teach its students how to focus on their academics. Which seems kind of necessary at this point. And with that they probably still won’t get into Ivy League universities but there are still good ones out there they might have a chance with. And if they don’t? Atleast they’ve now got the skills to do well in any future academic career, even here in Pakistan.
But wait! Still not convinced? Well, at the very least I can guess that if you have enough faith in these kids to be able to get into ever-precious Ivy League then I’m sure you have enough faith in them to know better than to join Acacia if they think it’ll hinder their chances of admission. Seeing how you were unable to figure this out on your own I question your chances with Harvard, too.

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Ofcourse, that’s not all that bothered you. There’s the matter of the fees, too. Well, I don’t know when exactly Sir Nadeem became the iron-fisted dictatorial leader of every O Levels graduate in Karachi- I didn’t get the notification. I’m guessing he never did. So you really don’t need to worry yourself silly over how much Acacia costs because you know what? The kids going to Acacia and their parents happen to have free will. This is a free country run under democratic principles after all (LOL JK, just added that for my own amusement). Therefore, they’re choosing to pay those fees. The price is right for them. So what’s the big deal? Call it a niche market and get over it. No students or parents of students are being forced to join Acacia. They can just as easily choose to go to Southshore or Lyceum or L’ecole (wait- do we even consider L’ecole a school anymore?). And many of them actually did. Happy ending.

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I hope I’ve acted with sensitivity to your “humanity” that, unfortunately, Izna ignored. And yanno, anger is not pretty, but your blog definitely is. Specifically the glorified email post. Your use of colour is not only clever, but moving. I know that many of us who read it LOVED how relative the colours were to the words. Pink for “respectable man” and two shades (TWO!) of green for “Rs. 25,000?”. Accusatory red for “Really, sir?”. Beautiful. Are you considering a fine arts major? Maybe Literature, since you totally have the hang of symbolism?

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As for your hopes of propelling yourself to fame with the support of your blog- you definitely have. Look, a blog post featuring you! I hope you print it out. Shall I send it to you as a batch of flyers?